Pass the Potatoes, Not the Unsolicited Advice: Thanksgiving Boundaries

Pass the Potatoes, Not the Unsolicited Advice: Thanksgiving Boundaries

Thanksgiving can be one of those holidays that sounds really nice in theory. You get together with people you love, eat a ridiculous amount of food, maybe go for a walk afterward and generally enjoy having nowhere else you need to be.

And sometimes it really is like that.

Other times, you've been there for approximately 45 minutes when someone asks when you're having another baby, comments on what you're eating, brings up something you specifically hoped nobody would bring up, or starts telling you what they think you should be doing differently with your life.

Family gatherings have a way of bringing out dynamics that we don't necessarily notice as much the rest of the year. You can be a completely competent adult who manages your own life just fine, and somehow one comment from your mom can have you feeling like you're 16 again.

So, with Thanksgiving coming up, it might be a good time to think about boundaries.

Boundaries Don't Have to Be a Whole Thing

I think the word "boundary" can make things sound much more formal than they actually need to be. You don't necessarily need to sit someone down and announce that you're setting a boundary. Sometimes it's just deciding ahead of time that there are certain conversations you don't want to have, or recognizing that you don't need to explain yourself quite as much as you usually do.

If someone asks a question you don't want to answer, you can say, "We're not really talking about that right now," or "I'll let you know when there's something to share."

You can also change the subject.

This may be where having Thanksgiving dinner in front of you is particularly helpful, because there is almost always something you can suddenly become very interested in.

"Did you make these potatoes?" can take you surprisingly far.

Why Is It So Hard to Say No to Family?

This is something that comes up in counselling a lot. You might be someone who has no problem saying no in other areas of your life, but when it comes to your family, suddenly you're agreeing to host Thanksgiving even though you don't want to, making three dishes when you only offered to bring one, or staying four hours longer than you planned because leaving feels rude.

There are usually reasons for that.

Maybe you've always been the person in your family who keeps everyone happy. Maybe saying no tends to come with guilt, questions, or someone being disappointed. Maybe it's simply easier to do the thing than deal with how everyone reacts when you don't.

Those patterns can be pretty deeply ingrained, and they tend to show up quickly when families are all together.

Sometimes the boundary isn't even saying no. Sometimes it's noticing that little feeling in your stomach when you've just said yes to something you absolutely did not want to do.

That's useful information too.

You Don't Actually Have to Answer Every Question

Families (or friends) ask some wild questions.

When are you getting married?

Are you going to have kids?

Are you going to have another one?

Why aren't you having another one?

Have you gained/lost weight?

How much did your house cost?

Are you still doing that job?

And then there are all the parenting questions, which could probably be their own blog post.

Often the person asking isn't trying to be hurtful. They might genuinely care about you or simply be making conversation in the way your family has always made conversation.

That doesn't mean you have to answer.

You can give a vague response, change the subject, make a joke, or simply say you'd rather not talk about it. You also don't have to come up with the perfect response in the moment. If you're someone who thinks of exactly what you wish you'd said three hours later while driving home, you're in good company.

Sometimes the Boundary Is About What You Do

This is one of the less fun things about boundaries. We'd often really like a boundary to mean that another person stops doing the thing we don't like. Unfortunately, people are still allowed to be themselves, even when themselves is being incredibly annoying over Thanksgiving dinner. A boundary is more about figuring out what you're going to do if something keeps happening.

Maybe if the conversation turns into the same political argument it does every year, you go play with the kids for a while. Maybe if someone continues commenting on your body after you've asked them not to, you end the conversation. Maybe you decide ahead of time that you're leaving at seven instead of waiting until you're completely exhausted and resentful.

It doesn't need to be dramatic or punitive. It's really just about knowing what works for you and what doesn't.

Notice Who You Become Around Your Family

This is one of the more interesting parts of spending time with family. We tend to fall back into our roles. Maybe you're the peacekeeper who starts feeling anxious the second two people disagree. Maybe you're the responsible one who somehow ends up cleaning the kitchen while everyone else is still sitting at the table. Maybe you're the one who makes jokes when things get uncomfortable. Or maybe you find yourself getting defensive around one particular person before they've even finished what they're saying because you've had some version of this conversation a hundred times before.

There can be a lot of history sitting around a Thanksgiving table.

Part of counselling can be getting curious about those patterns rather than judging yourself for them. Where did I learn that it's my job to make sure everyone is okay? Why does disappointing my family feel so uncomfortable? Why do I feel guilty when I leave early even though I'm exhausted?

Sometimes understanding where those reactions come from makes it a little easier to choose something different.

Thanksgiving Can Be Lovely and Still Be a Lot

You can genuinely love your family and still find spending an entire day with them exhausting. You can be grateful for the invitation and also wish everyone would stop asking you personal questions. You can look forward to Thanksgiving and know that you'll probably need some quiet afterward.

None of those things cancel each other out.

Boundaries aren't about pushing people away or making Thanksgiving into a therapy exercise. They're really just one way of making room for yourself in relationships that matter to you.

So maybe this Thanksgiving you stay a little less long, explain yourself a little less, or decide ahead of time which conversations you're simply not getting into. And if none of this applies to you because family time is EASY and a joy, that's wonderful. That's very much something to be grateful for. Just in my experience, even the happy families have dynamics that come up around the holidays. And that doesn't mean you don't love your family or appreciate the time with them to acknowledge that.

Enjoying appetizers at thanksgiving.