How to Find a Therapist Who Actually Fits (and Why It’s OK if You Don’t Hit It Off Right Away)

How to Find a Therapist Who Actually Fits (and Why It’s OK if You Don’t Hit It Off Right Away)

Let’s be real. Finding the right therapist can feel really challenging!

You book a session. You show up. You spill some hard stuff. And unfortunately sometimes, you leave thinking, “Was that helpful or did I just emotionally spiral in front of someone who blinked at me a couple times in 50 minutes?”

Therapy is effective. Several studies (including a 2013 study by clinical psychology Michael Lambert) indicate 75–80% of people reporting they benefited and felt better after engaging in therapy.

BUT this effectiveness is only when it feels safe, connected, and like the person across from you is the right fit. If you've ever walked out of a session and thought, “That didn’t feel right,” you’re not crazy. Sometimes it’s just not a fit. And sometimes (less fun to admit) you’ve landed with a therapist who isn’t trained in or skilled for what you need.

Therapist Chemistry Is Important

Research backs this up (please ask me for this if you'd like, I read about it all the time haha)... the number one predictor of success in therapy isn’t the letters after someone’s name or their favourite modality. It’s the quality of the relationship you have with them. In other words, do you feel like they get you? Can you be real with them? Do they know when to challenge and when to just let you cry and swear for 20 minutes?

It’s Okay to Shop Around

So if you don’t feel it after a session or two, that’s okay. You’re not “too sensitive” or “unfixable.” You’re just discerning, and that’s a good thing. Not every therapist is going to be your therapist. And let’s be honest, some folks are better on paper than in person. That doesn’t make them a bad therapist necessarily, they might just not be the one for you.

I always recommend doing a bit of a pre-screen. Most therapists offer free consult calls, so use them. Don’t just ask what type of therapy they do. Ask how they do therapy. Ask what they’re like with clients. Ask them what lights them up in the work. Pay attention to how you feel in that five minutes. If you're already holding your breath or pretending to be more put together than you are, that’s a clue.

Word of Mouth Still Works

Sometimes, especially in smaller towns (like our own), the best referrals come from someone who’s had a good experience. Ask your friends, your colleagues, your doctor, your yoga teacher, whoever’s in your circle. People know who the good ones are. It's okay to say, “Hey, know anyone great to talk to?”

Also, Fun Fact…

Swift and Greenberg (2012) conducted a large meta-analysis examining therapy dropout rates across 146 studies. They found that, on average, about 35% of clients discontinue therapy prematurely. In studies conducted in the United States, dropout rates ranged from approximately 33% to 43%, highlighting that early termination is a common challenge in counselling. So if that’s ever been you, you’re far from alone. You’re not “bad at therapy.” You just didn’t find the right person yet.

You Deserve a Therapist Who Fits

You’re allowed to be picky. This is someone who’s going to be sitting with you in the middle of your mess, your healing, your awkward crying-laughing moments. You want someone who doesn’t flinch when things get real. You want someone who sees you, not just your symptoms.

So trust your gut. Do your homework. Be curious, and don’t be afraid to say “this isn’t working” if it isn’t. Also don't be afraid to offer feedback on what works and doesn't work for you if you feel it's a good fit but some pieces aren't 100% working.

And if you’re on the hunt and don’t know where to start? You can always reach out. Even if we’re not the right fit, we'll happily point you to someone who might be.

Lambert, M. J. (2013). Bergin and Garfield’s handbook of psychotherapy and behavior change (6th ed.). Wiley.

Swift, J. K., & Greenberg, R. P. (2012). Premature discontinuation in adult psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 80(4), 547–559. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028226

Written by Emily Popoff.

Pictured below, Mikayla Reid, RCC and therapist at Talking Helps Heal in Cranbrook BC. Mikayla is one of our awesome counsellors who works in the Cranbrook office or online at your convenience!

Mikayla Reid, RCC at Talking Helps Heal. Mikayla offers a flexible and integrative approach to therapy to support adults, kids, and youth. She is also trained in EMDR therapy which can be an effective modality for treating trauma and distress.